Your bushfire plan – how to be the dickhead who starts a fire

With a ‘catastrophic’ warning in place across New South Wales, the Mountain Babbler has compiled a list of handy tips on how to be the brain-dead, dribbling low-life responsible for lighting a devastating inferno.

Stock up on cigarettes

For the nicotine lovers, what better time to procrastinate quitting than during a bushfire season. Undoubtedly the stresses of managing your bushfire survival plan have stacked up. So, ditch the vape/patches/gum and light up your favourite tobacco product, or maybe try a new cigarette or cigar brand.

In case the smell of smoke in your car is a concern, or you don’t want to clean out your ashtray, just flick the cigarette butts out your window. Someone will clean up after you eventually.

Play with matches

Remember the good ol’ days when smartphones weren’t even born yet? Engage in a timeless backyard game of flicking matches across the striking surface at your siblings.

See who can get the tiny death stick lit and hurtling toward either a person or the driest gum tree you can find. No need for a smartphone here, just a box of matches and your sense of adventure.

Use a magnifying glass on some ants

Looking for a chance to teach your friends about science? Magnifying glasses are the best way to demonstrate the burning capabilities of the sun, which is already doing its best to get a fire going.

The target of your concentrated beam of death is important to consider, as you don’t want endanger any animals (so leave the ants alone). Instead, point your lens towards a patch of dry, already-dead grass.

Start a campfire

What better way to start a fire than… by starting a fire! Go back to your primal roots and command the oxidation of carbon-based matter for your cooking needs. Nothing beats a juicy, smoky steak.

To get a consistent burn, make sure you have unrestricted access to dry leaves and sticks. Undercooked food is a real hazard to your health and safety.

Also, in this dangerous bushfire season, it’s important to minimise your time spent away from your campfire. Make sure you set up as close to combustible fuel sources as possible.

Do you have any tips on how to endanger life and property? Let us know!

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