Council to force residents into vegan diets

Blue Mountain City Council has announced the introduction of strict dietary requirements for all ratepayers, stating that meat is ‘completely’ off the menu.

The Council’s Office of the Health-Nutrition Ombudsman (OH-NO) has laid out a plan to remove animal products from Council catering. Following the trial which will be marked successful regardless of outcome, the Office will roll out the meat ban across the local government area.

Local bloggers across the Mountains, including The Blue Mountains Bugle, instantly embraced the ban and are excited to eat limp spinach for the rest of their days.

Also supporting the move is the Glorious Dear Leader of the Blue Mountains, Mayor Mark Greenhill. In a leaked internal memo to Council staff, he said that nobody is allowed to leave Council events until they’ve eaten all their vegetables.

“Sit down and do as you’re told,” Cr Greenhill said in the memo. “Pretend this is asbestos. Don’t complain and just eat it.”

Cr Kerry Brown said the new regulations would educate people she thinks are despicable.

“Meat is bad and so are you,” the Greens councillor said to a town hall meeting in Katoomba. “Plants are good. Eat plants. Don’t eat meat. Meat bad.”

But Cr Brendan Christie said the new restrictions were “more cooked than the 14 hour slow roasted pork shoulder.”

“Yeah get fucked,” Cr Christie eloquently said about the meat ban.

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