Festivus ‘airing of grievances’ dominated by Babbler editor

“I’ve gotta lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about them!”

Unbeknownst to dinner guests of the Mountain Babbler editor, this line would kickstart an almighty Airing of Grievances centred around the failings of notable Blue Mountains and NSW figures.

Festivus, the secular tradition made famous by the sitcom Seinfeld, is celebrated on December 23 as an alternative to heavily commercalised and religious holidays. Key features are the Festivus aluminium pole (with a good strength to weight ratio), the Airing of Grievances and the Feats of Strength.

However, as the dinner took place in the Blue Mountains, the aluminium pole was replaced with a traditional asbestos pole.

In attendance at the dinner were notable persons including Blue Mountains politicians, as well as some actual pleasant guests.

“Right, you, baldy,” screamed the editor while waving his finger at Mayor Mark Greenhill, “while I’m disappointed that your council hasn’t been sacked, I’m more disappointed that your council even managed to get caught! On top of that, you got dragged in front of the Supreme Court and paid them a few million dollarydos to say ‘this shit is below us.’ Next time you’re going to have a ‘jobs for the boys’ conspiracy, be smart and don’t get caught!”

Local Government Minister Gabrielle Upton slowly sunk into her chair, but couldn’t avoid a blast. “And Minister, you had three goes at suspending a useless council and you still couldn’t manage it. Plus, you gave us Return and Earn with machines that work less than a Mt Druitt resident. You should be appointed the Minister for Disappointment.”

“Oh and on the topic of uselessness,” the editor continued, “you people at the Blue Mountains Gazette need to lift your game. Your satire news is weak, and next year how about hiding your ‘proudly sponsored by the Labor Party’ disclaimers. Pretend to be a local paper instead of a Labor mail-out.”

“And you,” yelled the editor whilst pointing at upper house MP Shayne Mallard, “what on God’s earth would possess you to bad-mouth Bunnings sausage sizzles? Anyone who thinks volunteer-cooked food is a national crisis must be a few snags short of a barbecue themselves. You’re almost as bad as Malcolm Trumble and his goddammed election day pies. Good work on the rehab, though.”

Trish Doyle, state MP for the Blue Mountains, was heard mumbling something, but nobody could see her at the table.

A few muffled giggles from Councillor Brendan Christie restarted the verbal barrage. “OK Mr Hawaiian Shirt, we all know you’re waiting for an unemployment cheque, but you’re still getting government to build roads and parks and stuff. Not exactly a libertarian thing to do, aye? ”

Councillor Brent Hoare, at the far end of the table, appeared to dodge the Babbler editor’s barbs, and helped himself to a second serve of asbestos with gravy.

Overworked and underpaid interns at the Mountain Babbler quickly hid under the table before their tyrant boss took aim at them.

However, the interns claim they will be ‘eternally scarred’ by muffled cries heard during the Feats of Strength.

Happy Festivus

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