In defence of one of his loyal backbenchers, Bill Shorten has tried to come up with some sort of excuse to explain away the damaging accusations levelled at Lindsay MP Emma Husar.
The hardened union organiser was struggling to come up with an explanation, real or otherwise, to save his stablemate’s political bacon. But all of a sudden, in a moment of what seemed liked divine inspiration, an idea came to his head.
“It’s a, umm, uhh, it’s a therapy dog! Yeah, that’s right, it’s a therapy dog. For her, uhh, son, who is, umm, who is, ah, autistic! Yeah, he’s autistic. It’s a therapy dog for her autistic son,” Mr Shorten finally concluded. “So it’s fine. No need for investigating. Nothing happening here, folks.”
The story was then promptly picked up by fake news outlets, including the ABC who declined to independently verify the story. “Bill Shorten will spend some money on the ABC if he was elected,” an anonymous ABC editor confessed to the Babbler. “So for that reason, I consider his word as gospel. He could expose himself on the steps of Parliament House and we’ll say he’s standing in solidarity with nudist colonies.”
Since Mr Shorten’s attempt to deflect workplace bullying allegations against Ms Husar, questions emerged around the ‘therapy’ dog’s role in the office. Was it there coincidentally? Was it just passing through? Was it the office manager?
“Oh, f***ed if I know,” Mr Shorten replied. “Just run with the therapy dog story. I’ve come off a red-eye flight from Melbourne to deal with this s***, I’m not going to come up with perfectly bulletproof stories just like that.”
It is understood that Fairfax wanted to investigate the matter further, but didn’t have any reporters left to send to the ‘badlands’, an east Sydney term given to western Sydney.